Using someone’s preferred pronouns – why is it such a big deal?
- Beth Ennis
- Dec 31, 2018
- 4 min read
Updated: Apr 8, 2019
“It may be seen as trivial and unimportant, but it can change someone’s entire day, week or even life if they’re constantly being misgendered.”
Taboo speaks to Fay, a non-binary person who knows all about the controversy of asking to be referred to as ‘they’.
Although gender-fluidity is not a new concept (it dates back to ancient history), using a person’s preferred pronouns has only really gained attention in the west in the past decade. Where other cultures are familiar with using several different pronouns, we seem to struggle with the idea of using anything other than he or she.
The argument put forward by many is that gender is a spectrum, and people can fall anywhere on it. So, you can be somewhere between male and female – but not completely one or the other.
Fay Jones is a 20-year-old non-binary person living in London. Fay prefers to be referred to with ‘they’ pronouns, but explains that they're quite relaxed with pronouns when compared to other non-binary people.
Through meeting and spending time with trans people and people who identify all over the gender spectrum, Fay feels like seeing people who are so “concrete” about their identity helped them to realise they do not feel like that.
“I can’t imagine going through with any legal changes or anything surgical. I’m reasonably happy with my own body, which I know a lot of trans people can’t say.”
Fay does add that there are things they would like to be different, including a flatter chest and possibly a more male or androgynous frame. However, they stress that this does not match the level of dysphoria that trans people feel about their bodies and that, for Fay at least, being non-binary is more about style and state of mind.
One question asked regularly by those who don’t understand gender fluidity is why someone should change their pronouns just because they dress or feel a certain way. For example, if a woman chooses to dress in stereotypically masculine clothing and to take part in masculine hobbies, why should she feel she must change her pronouns to do this?
Fay says: “Not being cis is an internal experience, as well as being about how you present. Some people may choose to identify as non-binary but continue to present, stereotypically, as a specific gender. This doesn’t make their identity any less valid.”
It’s hard to avoid the ‘did you just assume my gender?’ and ‘I identify as an attack helicopter’ internet memes and trolls – but how much truth is there to this insinuation that people can and do define themselves as anything they want?
This idea probably comes from the fact that it is not just he/she/they that people have been proposing as pronouns. A quick Google search will show you there are dozens of pronouns suggested by various people. Ze/hir, xe/xem and ey/em are just some of the more unusual ones.
Although other pronouns can seem daunting and confusing, there is a lot of misconception around them. Ze/hir pronouns, for example, are how some non-binary people refer to each other online in order to avoid a language barrier. It is not necessarily true that they expect those pronouns to be adopted into everyday life.
Like with a lot of issues, facts like this get washed away under the current of opinions and outrage in the news media and social media. Fay explains why they’re more inclined to be cynical of the media.
“This is an issue that can be complicated by people who want us to be pitted against each other. As in non-LGBT people who make it seem like a bigger issue than it is.”
It seems, from Fay’s description, that a lot of the backlash and criticism of new gender pronouns is inaccurate. Of course, people are entitled to their opinions on using gender-neutral pronouns, but they should at least be based on fact.
When researching different pronouns and perceptions of them, there were dozens of Tweets that went along the lines of: “If I get someone’s pronouns wrong, they’ll jump down my throat and tell me I’m prejudiced! Bloody social justice warriors - unfair.” It’s hard not to agree with comments like this – how can you know (just by looking at someone) how they would like to be referred to? And why should you face abuse for not knowing?
Equally though, is this person with no profile picture on Twitter just trying to spread hate? Have they ever actually been called prejudiced for not knowing someone’s pronouns?
“No one expects you to just naturally know these things – you’ll find many trans and non-binary people are a lot more forgiving than the media is making them out to be. People try to make it seem like ‘oh well, if you get it wrong LGBT people will hate you’. No. The issue only begins when people don’t make an effort in the first place,” Fay says.
On face value, the topic of gender pronouns seems like a minefield – are you damned if you do and damned if you don’t? If you’re comfortable with your gender, how do you understand those who aren’t?
Fay sums it up nicely.
“It’s quite simple. If someone asks you ‘can you please refer to me as this’ – if you make the effort, if you genuinely try – whether you make some mistakes or not, that’s fine. Just as long as you can honestly say you’re trying, that’s fine.”
What are your thoughts on this topic? Get in touch with us on social media or send us an email at contact.us.taboo@gmail.com - we want to use some of your comments in our upcoming podcast.
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